And then I had a job...

This isn't really a post at all... It's more like a "YAY" moment with a little happy dance thrown in.  As you know, I lost my school contract when all the crazy was happening back in November.  I made the decision to not continue with the agency that I was working with, less because they gave my contract to someone else (I totally get it, but I'm still a little pissed) but because I just don't have it in me to give these high-needs clients what they need.

So, I started looking for something new.  Anything, really.  Had some interviews, didn't really pan out.  I mean, how could they not see the awesome that was sitting in front of them.  Oh.  That's right.  Because somewhere along the job line it became cool to interview a load of people at the same time and give them 2 minutes to convince you why they should be hired.  Not cool.  Not cool at all.

Anyway.  On a long shot I applied for a music teacher position at a private music school.   Teaching is something I've always enjoyed and music was a huge part of my childhood and youth.  It's been awhile since I've taught piano and I've only ever done a little tutoring in clarinet.  It's also been a long time since I've played either instrument - my apartments have always been too small to fit my beautiful piano into them.  Plus, moving a piano isn't cheap and I've had 4 apartments in the last 6 years.  

Needless to say I was skeptical about my chances.

But, those lucky little four leaf clovers must have been working their magic, because they hired me!

Granted, it's just as a substitute teacher right now, but it will turn into a permanent position once the contracts come up for renewal.  Which means that I still have to look for a job.  But, I kind of don't care right now, because someone thought I was pretty frikkin' fantastic and hired me.  

Four Leaf Clovers

Yesterday afternoon was hard. There were tears.  And feelings of loss.  I've been doing so well recently, and a kind word from a woman I've never met, but have communicated with for four years, sent me over the edge. (Betty is the administrator for the agency that I'm on the Board of Directors for, and she's lovely.)  Betty had called to let me know that the Executive Director insisted that I go on my birthday date with Stu rather than coming to the next meeting that had been switched to land on my birthday.  When I told Betty that it wasn't a problem for me to switch because I felt bad for missing the last couple of meetings due to illness (I didn't think she was aware of the pregnancy) she told me that sometimes when you're pregnant that happens, and there will be lots of meetings to come.

I died.

And I started to cry.  The E.D., whom I adore, must have told her that I was pregnant even though I had told him I wasn't telling anyone at the time.  Which would be fine if I still had my little bean.  So, I had to tell her that I lost the baby.  And then the tears started.  Out of nowhere.  The poor woman.  But, she was so sweet and ever so apologetic, and she told me she would stay on the phone as long as I needed.  Somehow between my tears I disclosed that I'd lost my contract and I was looking for something new, and a little about how truly sick I was.  Betty was outraged that I'd lost my job, and was set on getting the E.D. to put out feelers to help find me something new.  I told her that I have an interview for a music teaching spot at a private school, and that I wanted to be out of the field for awhile. 

And Betty comforted me.  Told me that she was going to include me in her prayers if I didn't mind.  A woman, whom I communicate mostly via email about my availability for meetings, gave me comfort in the space of a few words.  Let me cry on her shoulder and didn't judge me.

When Stu got home, I was still curled up in bed, a mess of tissues surrounding me.  He got me up, kissed me, hugged me and let me cry on his shoulder.  He tried to coax a smile from me, and told me silly stories and imitated the cats - with their made-up voices we do.  He drew me out of the bedroom and into the kitchen where we started making dinner together.  He kept up the silly stories until I started to smile and he knew I would be okay.

After dinner, I looked to the top of the bookshelves in the living room and found that my gaze settled on an old photo album of my grandmother's that she had filled with recipes cut out of newspapers.

My grandmother passed away in the early hours of New Year's Day in 2004.  It was devastating.  I loved my grandmother dearly and spoke to her often, at least once a week.  She was strong, smart and stubborn.  Oh so stubborn.  She was an amazing cook and baker (and pianist!) and I have never had an apple pie that could come close to matching hers.  And when I try new recipes, made my first attempts at pastry and bread making, I thought of her, and hoped that I was making her proud.

And so, when I pulled that 40 year old photo album down and ran my hand across the cover, I felt closer to her.  I thought of the things I wanted to tell her.  Wished that she was here to give me sage advice. 

I hadn't looked through that book since I'd brought it home almost 7 years ago.  I couldn't remember what was in it, what recipes I would find.  I found the recipes of the maple cream fudge she used to make.  The hand written measurements for the family recipe of Batchelor Buttons (an uber delicious cookie our family has been making for at least 125 years.)  Recipes for breads and muffins...and jellied salads.

And I found something better.

I found four-leaf clovers pressed under the protective plastic between the recipes.  Pages of them.

And they made me smile.  Truly smile.  With each turn of the page, my fingers traced the outlines of the decades old clovers, still green, reminders of my grandmother -of the way she smiled, the way her hands glided over the piano and the way she effortlessly made dough.  I can hear the sound of her voice if I listen hard enough, telling me how happy she was that I'd started to teach piano, and if I try really hard, I can remember just how her voice lifted above all the others when we would stand and sing the hymns in church. 

Those clovers made me remember that no matter what we lose, it is not forgotten, and it gets easier over time.  The hurt will fade, and the tears will dry and the dull ache in my heart will fade away. 

But I'll still have my four-leaf clovers to make me smile.

Notes

I'm going to preface this post by saying that if you have difficulty reading sugary posts without vomiting, then it's best that you skip this one and wait until I find my next inspiration.

Stu and I like to leave each other notes.  When he was working overtime and I barely saw him for a couple of weeks, I used to hide notes in his lunch or the pocket of his jacket.  Just a few words to tell him that I was thinking of him, something to make him smile.  Sometimes we write each other notes about something ridiculous one of the cats has done, or we saw something that we reminded us of each other.  At the end of the day, when we write each other notes, it's just another form of communication, a way to strengthen our bond, an expression of love.

This morning I found a note on the kitchen counter (our bedroom is off the kitchen.)  P.S. We also have sickening nicknames for each other.  I'll give you a second to grab your barf bucket.

                                  Note 1:

                                                  Boo Bear

                                                  There's a note for you by the computer!!

                                                  *mwah*

                                 Note 2:

                                                 You found it! *mwah*

                                                 Boo Bear, there's a note by the t.v.

                                                 *mwah*

                                Note 3:

                                                 Good Girl!

                                                 Boo Bear! *mwah*

                                                 We have a new tv!

                                                 And I love you very, very, much.

                                                 xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

                                                 -Stu

I know, right? Normally this kind of saccharine outpouring of affection would make me vomit if I saw it happening on a sitcom or in a movie.  But somehow, when it's my husband, aka my best friend and soul mate, who is the one writing and leaving these notes, all I feel is loved.  And there was a huge smile on my face.

And the smile wasn't caused by the fact that we got a new 40", flat screen, LED, 1080p with internet hook-up for $185 (thanks to hording some gift cards and getting cash from parental units for Christmas for this very thing.)

I was smiling, because despite all the shitty stuff that Stu and I have endured over the years - and trust me, there's been a lot, he still does goofy, random things like this because he knows it will make me smile.                                          

 

Laundry Wars

For those of you that don't know much about me, I live in a triplex in the basement apartment.  Stu and I moved in here two years ago after my mother-in-law's cancer diagnosis.  She owns the building and lives in the second floor apartment with my sister-in-law.  The main floor apartment has housed some of the "special" people in the world, including a fraudster, an inconsiderate couple and their child, Stampy, and our newest tenants - a family of four that happens to include two small children, one of which has tantrums for the bulk of the time that she's home.  The small spawn of satan hits her parents and screams at them - a lot.  I think she's about five years old.  She also beats up on her younger brother. 

Happy 2011!

2011

Wow.  2011.  I can't believe it's January 1st already.  So many things have happened in 2010... school contracts, five years with my soulmate, 1st wedding anniversary, being pregnant, and the subsequent loss...life changing, soul giving/losing events... I can't believe that I survived it all.  And there's a part of me that wonders if I have.

But I am definitely going to try.

I want so badly to put 2010 behind me.  To look forward to starting 2011.  Moving beyond the negative things that have affected me (no shooting that non-grammatical wine drunk me!) to the future.  And I am looking towards the future. 

I have applied to college again.  I hold an honour diploma in Corrections, but I am as far as I'm going to go, unless I start at the bottom again... which I really can't do.  I applied to a paralegal program.  I weirdly miss the criminal justice system.  I want a fresh start.  I want something that will challenge me, and honestly, the work I was doing really wasn't.  So, I will be starting a 3 semester accelerated program in September *hopefully if they love me!* 

The desire to move forward is overwhelming... I miss my little bean so much, but I can't imagine going through the illness again.  I need something else to hold on to. 

And that's not to say that I'm not holding on to Stu.  I'm holding on to him with everything I have.  Just before I started this wine-fuelled post (are you impressed that I'm somewhat lucid?  I am!) I cried in his arms for not being able to make him the amazing father that I know he could be.  And he held me, and told me that it would be okay, and told me that he only needed me.

That's why I married him.

So, for my new year's resolution... well, I'm not making one.  Instead I'm re-affirming the promises that I've made at different times throughout my life.  I will love more.  I will continue to see the beauty in the world around me.  I will tell those that  are important to me that I love them, every chance I get.  I will continue to live my life and move forward.  I will live my life.

I may not have a life changing reality show epiphany, but I will continue to roll with the punches.  Punches looks funny when you write it after 2 bottles of wine, fyi.

So...my message to you, is this: May your dreams be fulfilled, may your lives be filled with happiness and love, and may you find what you're looking for....