You know, I've realized that it might seem that I'm less than enthusiastic about my pregnancy. And there might be a grain of truth in that. But, I ask that you not be too judge-y and let me explain.
For the last three years my husband and I have not used any form of birth control. Nothing. Zip. Nada. And there was no pregnancy. So I'm sure you'll understand why we thought we couldn't have children. It was something that we discussed - the alternatives, the treatments, what we really wanted... And we decided that we were okay if we didn't have kids - that there were enough children in our lives that we could shower love upon. When we planned our future, it was a childless one - and it was a future that I had come to terms with.
By nature I'm not an overly excitable person. I'm not the type of person that starts the countdown for their birthday two weeks in advance. In fact, the only person I celebrate my birthday with is my husband - and occassionally my family. I'm in fact embarassed when people buy me gifts, not because I don't feel that I don't deserve them, but because I know how hard money is to come by and I don't want them to spend it needlessly on me. I refused to have a wedding shower. And I was uncomfortable with my girlfriends (whom I've known for at least a decade) spending money on me at the bar and at dinner. We won't even go into the anxiety meltdown I had when confronted with the "surprise" bachelorette party. I almost refused to go. At the heart of it, I just don't like being the centre of attention.
Then there's the nagging feeling that I'm going to be an absolute failure as a mother. Sure, when the kid becomes a teenager I'll have full confidence in my abilities (I've worked with hundreds of teenagers over the years) it's just getting to that point.... I mean... what if I absolutely suck? What if I totally fuck my kid up? What if I don't buy them the right playmat, or stroller or get them into a good school?
And lastly, I'm worried about losing the baby. I'm worried that if I get too attached and I miscarry that I'll fall down a hole that I won't be able to get out of. If I start shouting from the rooftops that I'm pregnant and then I lose it... I can't even bear thinking about it.
Because this is the gift that I didn't know I wanted until I had it. This is the overwhelming gift that lasts a lifetime and I feel absolutely unprepared. I have so many worries, so many fears and I think of all the women who are desperate for a baby and I'm still not sure I'm doing the right thing. But at the same time, I know I must be because otherwise this post wouldn't be written. There would be no post to write. So, somewhere inside me I already know the answer to my unasked question. I just need some time to get used to it.
Oh hun, I completely understand. While I'm an overly excited person, I'd probably have the same fears.
ReplyDeleteI know it is unfair for me to complain or rant about women who so easily have babies while I remain desperate, but sometimes I can't help myself. It is wrong, I know it, but the pain and jealousy I feel is just so unbearable at times.
It is completely natural to have a mix of emotions. Don't worry about what others think, just think about yourself. You are one amazing woman, and you have an equally amazing hubs.
Congrats again, and take all the time you need.
*hugs*
Oh, my dearest Sweetpea! *hugs* I think it's completely natural to feel the way you do. I worried about telling my best friend (we've been best friends for 16 years) because I know how much she wants a second child and it just isn't happening for her right now.
ReplyDeleteAnd I think that's a lot of the reason that I feel so conflicted. It certainly wasn't easy to get pregnant - I mean, Stu and I didn't use any birth control for 3 years! A few years ago I really wanted a child, but then we moved to a different part of our lives, and I was okay with not having one. I'm sure it doesn't help that I work with a lot of older women who are now having grandchildren and scare the bejeebus out of me!
I know that your day will come and you will be an absolutely amazing mother. Whatever lucky child (or children) find their way to you, on whatever path they take to get you, will find themselves showered with so much love and understanding.
Hmmm... Maybe a reason for me to get a passport so that the little bean can be spoiled by Auntie Sweetpea!
I think once I see that little bean on the screen I'll be done for. It'll have me wrapped 'round it's little finger before it even exits the womb.
Thank you for your encouragement and love! It means the world to me. (And that includes the uber-supportive emails I got!)