Happy 2011!

2011

Wow.  2011.  I can't believe it's January 1st already.  So many things have happened in 2010... school contracts, five years with my soulmate, 1st wedding anniversary, being pregnant, and the subsequent loss...life changing, soul giving/losing events... I can't believe that I survived it all.  And there's a part of me that wonders if I have.

But I am definitely going to try.

I want so badly to put 2010 behind me.  To look forward to starting 2011.  Moving beyond the negative things that have affected me (no shooting that non-grammatical wine drunk me!) to the future.  And I am looking towards the future. 

I have applied to college again.  I hold an honour diploma in Corrections, but I am as far as I'm going to go, unless I start at the bottom again... which I really can't do.  I applied to a paralegal program.  I weirdly miss the criminal justice system.  I want a fresh start.  I want something that will challenge me, and honestly, the work I was doing really wasn't.  So, I will be starting a 3 semester accelerated program in September *hopefully if they love me!* 

The desire to move forward is overwhelming... I miss my little bean so much, but I can't imagine going through the illness again.  I need something else to hold on to. 

And that's not to say that I'm not holding on to Stu.  I'm holding on to him with everything I have.  Just before I started this wine-fuelled post (are you impressed that I'm somewhat lucid?  I am!) I cried in his arms for not being able to make him the amazing father that I know he could be.  And he held me, and told me that it would be okay, and told me that he only needed me.

That's why I married him.

So, for my new year's resolution... well, I'm not making one.  Instead I'm re-affirming the promises that I've made at different times throughout my life.  I will love more.  I will continue to see the beauty in the world around me.  I will tell those that  are important to me that I love them, every chance I get.  I will continue to live my life and move forward.  I will live my life.

I may not have a life changing reality show epiphany, but I will continue to roll with the punches.  Punches looks funny when you write it after 2 bottles of wine, fyi.

So...my message to you, is this: May your dreams be fulfilled, may your lives be filled with happiness and love, and may you find what you're looking for....

Lost

Things have been really tough lately.  And it all started around the time of my last post.  While I was expecting the nausea and vomiting of the cursed morning sickness, I did not expect it to last from the time I woke up until the time I went to sleep.  I wasn't vomiting at first, just felt like I was on the verge of it. ALL.  DAY.  LONG.  I wasn't so excited by it.

Ramblin' Woman

You know, I've realized that it might seem that I'm less than enthusiastic about my pregnancy.  And there might be a grain of truth in that.  But, I ask that you not be too judge-y and let me explain.

For the last three years my husband and I have not used any form of birth control.  Nothing. Zip. Nada.  And there was no pregnancy.  So I'm sure you'll understand why we thought we couldn't have children.  It was something that we discussed - the alternatives, the treatments, what we really wanted... And we decided that we were okay if we didn't have kids - that there were enough children in our lives that we could shower love upon.  When we planned our future, it was a childless one - and it was a future that I had come to terms with.

By nature I'm not an overly excitable person.  I'm not the type of person that starts the countdown for their birthday two weeks in advance.  In fact, the only person I celebrate my birthday with is my husband - and occassionally my family.  I'm in fact embarassed when people buy me gifts, not because I don't feel that I don't deserve them, but because I know how hard money is to come by and I don't want them to spend it needlessly on me.  I refused to have a wedding shower.  And I was uncomfortable with my girlfriends (whom I've known for at least a decade) spending money on me at the bar and at dinner.  We won't even go into the anxiety meltdown I had when confronted with the "surprise" bachelorette party.  I almost refused to go.  At the heart of it, I just don't like being the centre of attention.

Then there's the nagging feeling that I'm going to be an absolute failure as a mother.  Sure, when the kid becomes a teenager I'll have full confidence in my abilities (I've worked with hundreds of teenagers over the years) it's just getting to that point.... I mean... what if I absolutely suck?  What if I totally fuck my kid up?  What if I don't buy them the right playmat, or stroller or get them into a good school? 

And lastly, I'm worried about losing the baby.  I'm worried that if I get too attached and I miscarry that I'll fall down a hole that I won't be able to get out of.  If I start shouting from the rooftops that I'm pregnant and then I lose it... I can't even bear thinking about it. 

Because this is the gift that I didn't know I wanted until I had it.  This is the overwhelming gift that lasts a lifetime and I feel absolutely unprepared.  I have so many worries, so many fears and I think of all the women who are desperate for a baby and I'm still not sure I'm doing the right thing.  But at the same time, I know I must be because otherwise this post wouldn't be written.  There would be no post to write.  So, somewhere inside me I already know the answer to my unasked question.  I just need some time to get used to it.

Ooooooohhhhhhh... So that's why.....

So... I've been quite tired lately.  Like really tired.  I thought maybe my B12 was low, so I took loads of it.  Didn't help.  I went to be a little earlier every night.  Didn't help.  Thought that my student was just so emotionally exhausting that I couldn't do much else.  No cure for that, unfortunately.

Then I remembered that it was weird that I hadn't gotten my period yet.  It isn't unusual for me to be late.  But I had the cramps and the tender breasts (too much information?) and nothing had come of it.

Do you see where I'm going with this?

Because I freak myself out all the time when my period is late, I keep a pregnancy test in the linen closet just in case.

And 9 days ago I used it.

And those two little lines just popped right up.

Needless to say I was shocked.

And Stu wasn't too excited when I shoved the pee-stick in his face while he was half-asleep and said, "We're fucking pregnant."

After talking about our options we went to the drug store and got another pregnancy test.  Just to make sure.  And I bought the fancy one.  The ClearBlue Digital.  Spells out if you're pregnant or not.  And tells you how far along you are.

That one didn't hesitate either. 

Pregnant.  3+.  Apparently 3+ means that you're at least 5 weeks pregnant.

So... I don't feel so bad for needing naps now.

And I don't have to change the cat litter for like a year, which is the real bonus.  I think I might be more excited about that than anything else. 

Just kidding.  I'm excited.  And scared.  And nervous.  But definitely excited, because I have something the size of a piece of rice growing in my uterus.